


Bitter, Broken Me

by AnnieSoFar



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Eventual Romance, F/F, Fluff, Implied Anxiety, Implied abuse, Infatuated!Carmilla, Nightmares, Oblivious!Laura, Post Battle, Slight AU - No after battle kiss, mentions of self harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-02
Updated: 2015-05-07
Packaged: 2018-03-26 18:58:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3861055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnieSoFar/pseuds/AnnieSoFar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Carmilla has always found it difficult to let people in. But she might just have to make an exception for Laura Hollis.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hot Chocolate Cupcake, Really?

It’s been over a week since the Silas campus battle against the vampire minions (and her bitch of a mother) but it hasn’t stopped Carmilla waking up at 4am in a cold sweat for the 6th night in a row, her dreams a mixture of blurred images, bright flashes and the sound of Laura screaming.

_Laura_

Carmilla sighs, running a hand through her already disheveled hair; her other hand still tightly gripping the sheets. Her gaze wanders to the girl she can’t stop thinking about and she finds her entire body relaxing as she watches the consistent rising and falling of her chest as sleeps.

Watching Laura like this stirs all sorts of memories from deep inside Carmilla, memories of; _Fuck, no, don’t do it Carm_ ;Elle.

_Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._

Carmilla feels like she’s suffocating as all the memories; the guilt, the anguish and the heartache all flood back. She’s drowning in it and she barely hears herself as she lets out a gut wrenching sob. Laura isn’t asleep anymore and she’s kneeling by Carmilla’s bed in an instant.

“Carm? Carm what is it?”

But Carmilla can’t respond, all she can do is focus on Laura’s voice and try to remember to how to make her lungs work.

_In, out. In, out. In, out._

She can’t control her sobbing now and collapses as Laura climbs into bed beside her, holding her tightly and whispering comforting words into her ear.

“You’re okay” Laura repeats over and over and Carmilla doesn’t even remember what ‘okay’ feels like but after what seems like an eternity, the shaking subsides, her breathing slows and her body stills against Laura’s.

“I’m sorry” Carmilla mumbles, a flush coming over her cheeks as reality hits her. Reality being that she’s woken Laura up at a stupidly early time in the morning over a fucking dream. _Nice one Carmilla._

“Don’t apologise” Laura says, and God, her voice makes Carmilla melt. Her hand reaches out to wipe a tear from Carmilla’s cheek; she doesn’t notice the trail of goosebumps left in her wake.

Laura shifts and Carmilla instantly starts panic, grabbing Laura’s wrist with a strangled cry of “Don’t leave me” She stares at Laura; eyes wide, with a look of pure fear, and she utters a single word that, although she doesn’t know it, breaks Laura’s heart. “Please”

“I’m not going anywhere Carmilla” Laura’s arms are around her waist, and Carmilla swears she can feel Laura’s heartbeat radiating through her own body. She focuses on the steady beat, and Laura’s hot breath against her neck and the way her arm brushes her torso where her shirt has hitched up; and she’s asleep in moments.

She doesn’t have another nightmare that night.

* * *

The first thing Carmilla notices when she wakes up, is that she’s cold.

She sleepily fumbles through her blankets, sitting bolt upright when she realises she’s alone in her bed. She looks around for Laura, relief washing over her as she notices her in the kitchen.

“Afternoon” Laura smiles warmly, strolling over and handing her a mug of what she presumes is coffee.

Carmilla’s eyebrows shoot up “What time is it?” she asks, before taking a sip of her drink and frowning. “Hot chocolate? Really, cupcake?”

Laura laughs, and it’s a sound Carmilla will never get tired of hearing, “Just past one o’clock and hey, it never fails to make me feel better after a rough night” she finishes in a more solemn tone and Carmilla looks away, still feeling ashamed.

“Speaking of,” Laura continues and Carmilla inwardly groans. _Don’t ask cupcake, don’t ask_. “You feeling okay?”

Okay, so it was better than having to explain the reasoning behind her upset, but Carmilla was never up for the whole ‘talking about feelings’ crap.

“I’m fine”

“You really didn’t seem fi-“

“Laura” Carmilla growls and thankfully the other girl drops the matter. There’s a slight tension between them, which Carmilla breaks by taking another a sip from her mug and saying “This isn’t half bad, you know, for hot chocolate”

She offer’s Laura a small smile, a rarity, to let her know she wasn’t angry which Laura, thankfully, returns with tenfold enthusiasm.

_Maybe things’ll be okay._

“Hey, so do you wanna watch a movie? Twilight is on!” Laura says, bouncing on her bed slightly, grinning widely.

_Maybe not._

“Put the damn movie on, cupcake. Before I change my mind” Carmilla drawls, unable to contain her smile as she watches Laura excitedly switch the TV on. She settle back onto her bed, mentally preparing herself for the two hours of torture she was about the put herself through.


	2. He Really Is Just A Sparkly Twerp

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song featured in this chapter is 'Tell Her You Love Her' by Echosmith

“He really is just a sparkly twerp” Carmilla moans as the end credits of Twilight scroll down the screen. She looks over at Laura, who’s still watching intently. _What’s so interesting about a list of names?_

“Yeah, but he’s _gorgeous”_ Laura argues, her voice dreamy. Her eyes are still trained on the TV so she doesn’t notice the way Carmilla shrinks back in her seat. Or the look of disappointment on her face.

_Get it together Karnstein._

“I’m not really qualified to judge, cutie” Carmilla drawls, stretching her legs out and smirking at the satisfying crack they gave. She noticed Laura had finally tore her gaze from the TV and was heading to the kitchen, chuckling at Carmilla’s response. “Can you toss me some clothes? It’s near diabolical that I’m still in my pyjamas at 3pm”

Laura laughs again, the sound ringing through the otherwise silent room; making Carmilla’s heart ache.

_She doesn’t like you. Let it go._

Carmilla’s thoughts are interrupted when a pile of clothes are thrown into her lap: her stereotypical ripped black jeans and an Echosmith shirt.

“I know the benefits of going commando are vast, but I think I’m gonna need underwear, cupcake”

“Right, yeah” Laura stumbles over her words, blushing furiously; making Carmilla grin. Carmilla climbs out from under her duvet, the cool air making the hair on her arms stand up. She comes up behind Laura, reaching over to grab the remainder of her clothes, thinking she’s subjected the poor girl to enough embarrassment.

Her arm brushes against Laura’s shoulder and Carmilla swears she feels the younger girl shiver underneath her. “I’ll be right back” she murmurs, before heading into the small en suite to change.

She doesn’t see as Laura’s eyes rake up her bare legs, biting her lip as she does so.

* * *

 

Once safely in the confines of the bathroom, does Carmilla let go. She perches on the edge of the toilet seat, letting out a deep breath as her hands run through her ebony hair.

_Get a fucking grip Carmilla._

But she can’t, she can’t grip onto anything because she’s falling; and it’s all Laura Hollis’ fault.

“Damn you Laura” Carmilla growls under her breath. She’s never felt like this before and it doesn’t take long for her to wonder what it would take to kill the butterflies in her stomach.

Shaking her head, she stands up and strips off; her shorts and t shirt hitting the floor with a soft thud. As she quickly steps into her underwear, she sighs as her fingers trace across the dark bruises across her hip and ribs that had yet to fade.

Her hand stops as it reaches the small collection of thin, white scars that litter her left side; her fists clenching.

“Carm? Are you okay?”

Swallowing harshly, Carmilla tries to keep her voice steady as she replies.

“Yeah, yeah- fine”

She tugged the jeans on and pulled the shirt over her head as quickly as she could before stepping back into the room.

* * *

 

 Laura, who was sat at her desk, looked up as Carmilla re-entered. “Hey” she says softly, her warm voice eyes drifting over Carmilla’s features as she talks.

_Those fucking eyes._

“Hey Cupcake, what are you working on?” Carmilla asks, trying to keep her voice light.

“Just a stupid essay for lit, I just can’t seem to focus though” she sighs, and the frown on her face makes Carmilla’s heart sink.

She takes Laura’s hands, pulling the blonde on her computer chair as she falls back onto her bed. “Take a break” Carmilla grins, her hands still gripping Laura’s.

Laura laughs softly “I’ve done nothing but ‘take a break’ all morning Carm”

Carmilla drops Laura’s hands, shifting to sit cross-legged on the bed; motioning for Laura to join her. The younger girl rolls her eyes, but falls back to sit beside Carmilla, her eyebrows raised. “Well?”

With a sly grin, Carmilla catches Laura offguard and pulls her backwards ‘til she’s lying down, her head in Carmilla’s lap. Laura blinks, disorientated before muttering something that resembled, “Stupid vampire speed”

Chuckling softly, Carmilla told Laura to close her eyes, her long fingers running through Laura’s soft hair. Then she began to sing.

_Tell her a story._

_Tell her the honest truth_

_You treat her better._

_Make sure to see it through_

_Don't be just everything she wants_

_Be everything she needs._

_When she says she loves you,_

_Tell her you love her too._

Laura sighed peacefully, her eyes still closed. “I didn’t know you sang”

“There’s a lot you don’t know about me, Cupcake” Carmilla replies, her voice sounding graver than she anticipated. At the sound of the tone of Carmilla’s voice, Laura’s eyes snap open and the frown returns to her face.

“Tell me then” Laura’s voice is barely more than a whisper. Carmilla smiles sadly, her hands returning to Laura’s hair.

“All in good time Cupcake”

“You know you can talk to me Carm, I love you” Laura says, reaching up to take Carmilla’s hand that was currently tangled in her hair, smiling gently.

_When she says she loves you_

“I know cupcake, I-

_Tell her you love her too._

Thanks”


	3. That Goddamn Yellow Pillow

After much convincing, _and eyelash fluttering,_ Laura finally manages to ask Carmilla about her past without receiving a sarcastic comment and an eye roll.

“So you said there was a lot I did know” Laura says quietly, she’s shifted to sit beside Carmilla, playing with a loose thread on her jeans.

“I did” Carmilla replies, suddenly extremely interested the small flecks of dirt beneath her fingernails.

“What exactly did you mean?” Laura’s voice was full of concern and the sound makes Carmilla stiffen.

_Don’t tell her anything. She doesn’t deserve to hear that._

“It’s just a figure of speech, cupcake, don’t worry yourself over it” Carmilla could barely keep her voice level as she tried to convince herself that she was okay.

Her mind began spiralling and she clenched her fists on the bedsheets, her knuckles turning white. Laura was talking but Carmilla couldn’t hear her, she could only focus on _all those fucking memories._

_The death._

_The rituals._

_And that coffin, oh god that fucking coffin._

“Carmilla?” Laura was shaking her gently, her voice laced with a mixture of fear and worry. Focusing on Laura’s voice, Carmilla managed to regain control of her body and she unclenches her fists, flexing her fingers.

“Sorry sweetheart, I don’t do so well with remembering things” she says with a shaky breath. She barely registers as Laura wraps her arms around her, stroking her hair.

“Maybe letting it out would help?” Laura suggests, her fingers absentmindedly playing with Carmilla’s ear through her dark hair.

Carmilla considers this. She’d never really spoken about her past, discounting that god awful experience with Laura’s sock puppets, and she’d certainly never spoken about the darker sides. She wasn’t good with trusting people, opening up; the last person she trusted betrayed her and ended up dead.

But Laura, there was something about Laura that made her feel _something;_ something that made her feel that she _could_ talk.

“My mother,” Carmilla began, her voice trembling slightly. “She didn’t take disobedience lightly. After… After Elle, when she realised I wasn’t her lapdog anymore, she would… If I something she didn’t like, she’d...”

Carmilla stands up slowly, gently lifting the hem of her shirt up to reveal the collection of bruises. Laura’s mouth fell open and her expression turned to one of horror.

“Oh my god, Carm” Laura’s hand is reaching out and Carmilla’s breath hitches in her throat as the pads of Laura’s fingertips trace lightly across the sea of blue and purple.

Her fingers stop when they reach the cluster of white scars littering Carmilla’s hip.

“This wasn’t your mom, was it?” Laura’s voice is almost inaudible, but it seems to echo through the silent room.

Carmilla doesn’t realise she’s been holding her breath until she begins to reply and lets out a gasp.

“No. It wasn’t”

Laura’s fingertips linger against Carmilla’s pale skin and she sighs softly. She doesn't speak until she feels wetness hit her hands and looks up to see Carmilla crying silently.

Laura stands up, her hands taking each side of Carmilla’s face, frantically wiping her tears away whispering “Don’t cry Carm, don’t cry” over and over.

Carmilla’s lip trembles as she forces herself to breathe.

_In, out._

_In, out._

_In, out._

“I’m sorry” the words were tumbling from Carmilla’s mouth before she could stop them and this was all it took for Laura to envelope her in a hug.

Carmilla could feel Laura’s heart beating rapidly in her chest but she couldn’t work out why.

_She’s disappointed in you._

_Nothing more._

“Please don’t do that anymore-“

“I don’t.” Carmilla pulls away, shaking her head. “Not in a long time”

Laura nodded, her hand brushing a stray piece of Carmilla’s hair behind her ear. Carmilla was suddenly aware of how close they were.

_She could just lean in and then-_

_No, Carmilla. Stop._

It was Laura that stepped away first, the hand that had been resting against Carmilla’s face, dropping to her side, her eyes never leaving Carmilla’s.

“I know I’m hot cupcake, but there’s no need to stare” the older girl jokes, a weak smile crossing her face as Laura blushed.

“I have class now… Will you be okay?” Laura says, her forehead creased with concern.

“Of course I will Cupcake, go”

Laura left their room, and the fleeting glance she gave Carmilla as she did so, didn't go unnoticed.

* * *

 

Carmilla let out a long sigh, leaning back onto her bed and shuffling til she found a comfortable position. She let out a frustrated groan when she couldn't find a position that suited her and sat up. She was so shattered that she barely noticed herself falling into Laura’s bed, her arms cradling _that goddamn yellow pillow_ to her chest tightly.

Just as she was on the cusp of sleep did it hit her; the feeling Laura gave her.

She made her feel safe.


	4. Worst. Crush. Ever.

Carmilla wakes to the sound of the door slamming harshly, her eyes snapping open at the loud noise.

“What the f-“

“Sorry! Sorry! I didn’t realise you were sleeping” Laura looks embarrassed to have woken her but her expression changes as she regards Carmilla. “In my bed...” she continues, with a small smirk.

_Shit._

_When did I get in Laura’s bed?_

_Play it cool Carmilla._

“Sorry cutie, your bed is much more comfortable” And smells like you.

Laura chuckles, shaking her head slightly as she sits down on Carmilla’s bed. “Well I actually have class in a few, but Kirsch invited us both to a party downtown tonight. You wanna go with me?”

_With her? What does that mean?_

_Shut up Karnstein, she doesn’t mean it like that._

“If you wanna go, of course I’ll tag along Cupcake” Carmilla replies smoothly, before becoming increasingly self-conscious of where she is. She gestures to her position in Laura’s bed. “I can move if you wa-“

“Oh no don’t worry about it!” Laura’s smile is heartbreakingly wide and Carmilla finds comfort in those warm brown eyes. Laura grabs her bag from where she discarded it earlier, heading towards the door. Just as she’s about to leave, she turns to Carmilla. “Besides, I know you have a thing for my yellow pillow” she calls back to her, before she skips out of the door.

Carmilla groans into said yellow pillow “Worst. Crush. Ever”

* * *

Later that day, Carmilla hears Laura’s keys in the lock and grins, she’s dressed to impressed and the look on Laura’s face better be worth it.

It is.

As Laura enter’s the room, moaning about her Lit professor, her eyes find Carmilla and her jaw drops. Carmilla smirks as she watches Laura’s eyes trail down her body, taking in her attire; a black lace dress and black knee high socks that really didn’t leave much to the imagination.

“Wow” Laura’s voice is low, and Carmilla thinks she notices the blonde lick her lips.

_Perfect._

“See something you like Cupcake?” Carmilla winks, only half joking, before chuckling and sitting herself down on her bed. Laura laughs along with her as she drops her books on the desk before saying something Carmilla really doesn’t exepct.

“You look hot” Carmilla’s eyebrows shoot up and she wonders what her expression must be because Laura bursts out laughing. The sight brings a small smile to Carmilla’s lips.

“Don’t be so surprised Cupcake” Laura mocks lovingly, turning back to wink at Carmilla as she roots around in her closet. “I’m just gonna change and then we’ll go?” Carmilla nods absentmindedly, gathering her phone and bag. As Laura comes out of the bathroom, it was the turn of Carmilla’s jaw to drop.

_Holy fuck._

Laura’s wearing a dark red dress, with a flowery lace bodice across the front that, not dissimilar to Carmilla’s own attire, did not leave much to the imagination. Laura is clearly dressing to impress.

_Who is she trying to impress? Ugh._

Carmilla regains her composure and grins “Not too shabby, creampuff” Laura flicks her hair, pulling Carmilla up from the bed.

“C’mon Carm, let’s go!” she squealed eagerly.

* * *

Carmilla clearly underestimated just how much alcohol Laura’s tiny body could consume, but she had to admit, seeing her roommate, crush, dancing on Kirsch’s coffee table is pretty entertaining. The smile on Carmilla’s lips falters as she notices a tall red head join Laura on the table.

“Lawrence” Carmilla growls under her breath, watching intently as Danny’s arms slink around Laura’s waist. Taking a sip of her beer to steady herself, her breath hitches in her throat as she sees the tall girl’s arms around Laura’s neck and she’s leaning in and _oh god they're kissing._

_That’s who she was dressing up for._

Carmilla crushes her cup between her fist in a mixture of anger and some feeling she doesn’t quite recognise. Something she hasn’t felt since she lost Elle.

_Pain._

Carmilla didn’t realise she was crying til she was halfway down the street, furiously running away from that fucking house. The wetness on her cheeks felt cold against the night air and a shiver ran down her spine. Her feet carry her further and further, further from the party, from Lawrence, _from Laura_ , until she finds herself in front of a multi-story carpark.

“Fuck it. Let’s go look at some stars” she says bitterly, to nobody in particular as she wanders through the empty carpark.

It only takes 10 minutes for Laura to start calling.

She heard Laura’s ginger minions calling after her as she left; of course they told her. Carmilla slam’s her phone against the cool concrete of the carpark in frustration, unwilling or simply unable to bare speaking to her.

She struggles for breath as she thinks of Laura; her laughter, her smile…

“Her tongue down Lawrence’s throat” Carmilla spits bitterly into the night, not caring that there was no one around to hear her as the angry tears fell freely down her cheeks that were flushed with the cold. She suddenly becomes conscious of where she is; looking over the edge of rooftop, the bare skin of her legs pressed against the concrete as her feet dangled loosely over the edge.

She laughs humourlessly at the situation.

_Fucking idiot, of course you mean nothing to her._

_Fucking fucking stupid._

_Stop crying, you’re being pathetic._

_Vampires don’t cry._

_Pathetic._

_Worthless._

_Nothing._

Echoes of her mother’s words and her own self-loathing thoughts bounce around in Carmilla’s head and she’s so caught up in them to notice herself picking up the phone that had been ringing incessantly beside her.

“What?” she spits bitterly into the phone, not having bothered to check who was calling.

“Oh thank fuck. Carmilla where are you?” Through her distress, Carmilla recognises LaFontaine’s voice on the other end of the line.

_They don’t fucking care_.

“Oh I don’t know” Carmilla answers truthfully, laughing bitterly again at the dark thoughts racing around her mind. “But the stars, the stars look so fucking pretty and it’s nice… nice to see all the cars going along the street, they look so small.”

Her gaze drifts to steady flow of traffic beneath her, her eyes glazing over as the headlights and tail lights all blurred together.

“The cars look small?” LaFontaine clarifies and although it isn’t addressed to Carmilla, she hears them mutter “She’s somewhere high up” urgently to an unknown person. Before Carmilla can respond, LaFontaine speaks again. “Okay we’re coming to get you” and promptly hangs up.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for taking the time to read this, i'll try and update as frequently as possible.  
> If you want to ask any questions about the fic, feel free to follow me on tumblr @ broodycatcarmilla


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